3. Support and guide perspective-taking
When anyone, regardless of age, is going through a stressful time, our unhelpful thinking patterns usually become strong and powerful. For teenagers completing end-of-school exams, it is likely certain thought patterns are contributing to their feelings of stress, anxiety, hopelessness and helplessness.
Confirmation bias, for example, is when a person only pays attention to what they believe. Subconsciously, they ignore any information that does not align with that belief. A common belief for students is “I’m going to fail”. Talking to the young person about other perspectives may help them see the situation from other perspectives.
A common request psychologists make in these situations is: “Tell me all of the evidence that your belief you’re going to fail might be true.” Then they ask: “Now tell me all of the evidence that your belief you’re going to fail might not be true.”
On the whole, reality exists somewhere in between these two answers. It may seem counter-intuitive to encourage a young person to talk about all of the reasons they think they will fail, but they are thinking these thoughts in their heads anyway. The important piece is to counter-balance their view with other views.
Ask your child to think of all the evidence for their belief that they will fail. Then balance that by asking them to think of all the evidence for why their belief might be wrong.
If the young person is struggling to come up with any evidence they might not fail, the parent can offer some ideas. Again, remember this is about empowering the young person, not telling them what they should think (such as “Don’t be ridiculous, you won’t fail”). It’s about helping them with perspective-taking in times of stress, rather than dismissing their belief because it makes us feel uncomfortable.
4. Self-compassion
Parenting is hard. Studying and sitting exams is hard. It is important to remind parents that the emotional struggles they experience and the big feelings their children experience are a part of life and a part of what everyone across the world goes through.
We can choose to be kind to ourselves in these moments of struggle and stress and think about giving ourselves the compassion we need. For parents and children alike, this can be as simple as listening to yourself like you would listen to a good friend. Respond to your own stress and emotional pain as you would respond if your close friend was feeling it.
We tend to be very critical and harsh with ourselves, but kind and compassionate to others. So next time as a parent you are thinking “I’m such a bad parent, my child is so stressed, I can’t help them, I’m useless”, try to find some words of kindness for yourself. Something like “Wow, this is really tough. I’m doing the best I can. I can get through this.”
Naming feelings, offering choices, perspective-taking and self-compassion can help instil hope for parents and children as they navigate end-of-school exams across Australia.
If this article has raised issues for you or your child, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.
Eimear Quigley is Senior Lecturer and Director, Psychological Services Centre at Edith Cowan University.
Exam time is difficult for parents and children, here’s how you can help
Source: Philippines Alive
